BUT SHE NEVER
LOVED US!
SHE REALLY DID!
With every morsel of food that you ate, intended for your nourishment that was her saying I love you; With every lash of correction or to keep you out of harms way, that was her way of saying I love you; With every row of cane she hoed, or every bed of potato she planted, every house she cleaned, every garment she washed and pressed so that she could make ends meet, it was all out of love.
By Mutryce A. Williams BBA CTM
As Eliza Best’s nine children lay around her bedside in writhing agony, watching as their mother’s chest heaved and seeing her slip away slowly to the other side, one child Sally stood afar in a corner with severe anguish on her face. It was anguish at a mother that she had long resented. It was anguish at a mother who had beaten her severely. It was anguish at a mother who she had never forgiven. It was anguish at a mother whose clutches she had long to escape. Sally felt a lot of emotions but sadness was not one of them. She was not there to pay her last respects but rather to see the ‘happening’ for herself.
Sally’s older brother Rudolph pulled her aside and said, “Sally girl, if it is ever a time that you need to let everything go, it is now. If it is ever a time that you need to get everything off your chest, it is now. You let the years past and did not say a thing. You have allowed yourself to become a bitter person as a result and you refuse to let go, what good it doing you? Go tell Ma, how you feel and when you done, tell her thanks and that you love her!”
Sally jumped back, screws up her face like a mad bull and shouted, “You drunk, tell her what, after how she treat us, tell her thanks, thanks for what? And that I love her, BUT SHE NEVER LOVED US! If she had love us she wasn’t going treat us so, that aint no love. You come like you forget the licks and word them.”
In a heated rage, Rudolph slapped her across the face and shot back with a thunderous voice, “Sally, for once in your life, stop being selfish and put yourself in the woman shoes. Have you ever done this? You got an education, a good job and two children and you always complaining, how hardened them is. You got a man to help you raise them. Sally, imagine how this woman had feel knowing that she had nine mouths to provide for everyday. She salary wasn’t nothing to talk bout but she work magic and make it stretch. She raise the nine of us by she self without the help of any man. Tell me how much times you ever see you father, how much money he used to give Ma, when last he send “howdy” for you or better yet tell me now which part a world he is now? All you grow up knowing is Ma, she aint parcel you off to nobody and she aint abandon you.”
Rudolph leaned over, lowered his voice and peered into his sister’s face, “Sally, I remember when Granny send tell Ma that she coming to take two of us to live with her. Ma, send tell she NO, she say that she was going look after all of us she-self, because she aint born no puss nor puppy to give way, is nine pickney she have. Sally you must be crazy. Is what you saying girl? We lucky! We could have grow up not knowing each other that woman there work hard to keep us all together. Look John and them, they mother went Curacao since they small, they aint see or hear from she again. Ask them how she look, they can’t tell you. Nora introduce me to a woman the other day, say is she mother who just come back from Bermuda. Ma could have gone leave us too, but she aint went, she stayed and looked after us. Even after we come big, she still look out for us. And you going say that she never loved us, we were that woman’s life. Sally is some kick and high fall you want.”
Rudolph wipes the spit away from his mouth, put his hands in his pockets and paces back and forth. “ Sally, you know how much times that woman went sleep hungry because she had to make sure we eat? You know how much times she pray and pray and pray for us. When we sick, you could hear her in she corner praying for us to get back we health. Sally a woman like you might have ask God to take one, to ease the burden, but not Eliza Best, her children were her pride and joy, ALL, even unruly, ungrateful you Sally. Thank God for her prayers Sally, see the nine of us here, none of us starve, none us had to go beg. All of us turn out good and I sure for that she proud. You see Paul and them in there crying, they know why, but you Sally, you. All you remember is the bad.”
Rudolph shook his head, watched his sister scornfully and leaned towards her once again. “Sally, when I was small, I couldn’t wait to come big so I could give Ma, everything that she deserved, a nice dress, her own bed and a bigger house. But you know what, when I get my first paycheck you know the first thing I buy for she, THREE pretty colour panties. You know why? Cause from the time I know that woman, only bout two black bloomers she had, and the years had take their toll on them. You know how much times she had to tie up them two black drawes with safety pins because she couldn’t afford. That is sacrifice Sally, that is what I call love. Thinking bout it now I don’t know how she aint catch a draft up there, cause after a while them bloomers did not cover a thing.”
A brief smile came over Rudolph’s face as he was reminiscing. “Sally you know when I give she the panties the biggest smile I ever see come over Ma face. It was like I had given her the world, that was my way of saying thanks in a small way and letting her know that I finally had understand.”
Looking her in the eye Rudolph said, “Sally the woman was stressed. She had it real hard! You think she had time to say she giving us time out or send us to we room. What room Sally? In she days she ain’t had the Oprah and Dr. Phil thing that you all does watch. She ain’t had nobody to turn to for advice or support. What you think Granny was going tell her, “Don’t spear the rod and spoil the child, wash them out!” You think licks in them days there was considered what you all call child abuse nowadays, no it was necessary for the straightening out of a child. She only use what she know, what she mother and them used to do and for that you fault the woman. You needed the licks an them. Lord Sally don’t let me let off on you, don’t let me let off on you, because Sally thank God for Ma. Sally, since you send me there I going go. Sally say thank God for Ma, I say, because as you see a man you skin use to ketch a fire, as if you was hotter than anybody else. Instead a the two children you have, you might of have more. You really needed the licks an them. They aint stop you but you must admit they sure slow you down. I aint care how you watch me. You say she aint had no right to tell you the things she used to tell you, Sally, is how else you was going hear? Tell me! She talk to you easy. She talk to you hard, is the only way she had know how to get you to listen. Is what she mother used to tell her.
Rudolph looked at Sally in disbelief. “Then you going say who send she go get all them children. What she was going do? Tell me! You think this birth control or family planning story was stowing in them days? You think they had any Dr. MekDem Disappear. I sure Ma can’t tell you up to now how she get pregnant. I hear she tell me daughter that when she get she period for the first time, she was frighten and is licks she mother give she, saying that she playing woman. Ma was a product of different times. How you expect the woman to know better? Sally see things not through your eyes but through Ma’s eyes. Sally you wrenk with yourself man, going say she should have tell the man them to go bout them business. Sally is you that talking? Let me check you temperature. Sally the woman was human. Who could fault her for wanting a lil companionship now and again? It might have take nine children to realize what the companionship was doing, but I glad that all nine of us here. Sally you see me, I respect my mother because whenever them bastards step out-of-line, she tell them take they Georgie Bundle and go; not one put they hand pan her. Even though she use to beat us, she never let none a them talk hard to or put they hand pan us. You an Esee, Kate, and Mary aint end up pregnant by none a dem, as was the norm then. And you going ask why you must thank the woman? Girl is some “bull pissle” you want in you backside, you too ungrateful.”
Rudolph pulled two chairs and they sat down. “Sally, we may have grown up on breadfruit, sweet potato, fowl and swank but by the grace of God and Ma, we all here. We might not have had lots of nice new clothes, and the garments went from one sibling to the next, but what we had was always clean and pressed. Sally tell me how much times you went dirty? Why you watching me so is a question I asking you? Sally because of Ma, you aint know what “chigger” is, and for this you should thank the woman. Sure we did not have all the nice things like the other children in the class but we got what she sent us there to get, an education. Sally you forget how hard she used to pray for us, when she think all of us fast in we sleep, but we used to hear her, or you playing now that you forget.
With tears in his eyes Rudolph looked up at the roof. She used to say, ‘Lord, let the day never come when I would have to put a machete and book in front of my children and ask them to choose, because it is no machete for them, just the book. Give me the daily strength to use the machete in the fields, so that they could have this education thing, now that it is free and available to all. I don’t mind I will make the sacrifice. I want the best for all of them. I don’t want any of them to go astray and Father, please don’t let me eyes shut before each one of them clear the worst because I aint want nobody to knock the bout, that is all I pray.’ Sally how could you forget that? You should be ashamed of yourself. Is some hard box you want girl, eh, tell me.”
“Tell me something Sally had you been in Ma’s situation, tell me, how you would have handled the situation? I dare you to walk a mile in the woman’s shoes before you judge her, because I sure that if I give you Sally nine children today, you can’t handle it. Sally you know how much long water the woman bawl for us. She really had it hard. I respect that woman I tell you. I respect her. God bless her, that is my mother Sally and I know that she loved us. I can’t believe you being that ungrateful. You see that woman there Sally, that is what I call strength, strength, STRENGTH. Sally go in there sit by the woman’s bedside thank her and tell her that you love her, because she loved you. Let the woman go in peace. She did not say I love you because in her day those emotions were not expressed or shown. Her way of showing her love was making sure that we were fed, clothed, educated and healthy, that was her love, so I don’t see why you would say that she never loved us. Everything that she did, she did out of love. Every sacrifice she made, she made it out of love. It might not been love in the way you wanted it, but she showed you love the best way she knew how to.”
Wiping the tears from his eyes and holding his sister’s hands, Rudolph said, “With every morsel of food that you ate intended for your nourishment that was her saying I love you; with each lash of correction or to keep you out of harms way, that was her way of saying I love you; with each word said that was her way of saying I love you; with every row of cane she hoed, or every bed of potato she planted, every house she cleaned, every garment she washed and pressed so that she could make ends meet, it was all out of love. She loved you. Sally even though she was our mother, everything that she did, think of it, all the sacrifices she made, she really didn’t have to. Sally allow the woman to go knowing that she had done her best and that her best was accepted. Sally allow her to go knowing that you knew she loved you and that you understood.”
Sally arose feebly, her eyes red and swollen, tears flowing, consumed and overcome by everything that Rudolph had said. She went to her mother’s bedside and collapsed on Eliza Best. She raised her arms, looked up to the heavens and wailed, “Lord, please, please, take care of my Ma. She is a good, good woman. She work real hard. She had it real, real hard. Ma, I love you. I love you. Ma, thanks. Lord, Oh Lord, Ma, I Sally Lutilda Best finally, finally understand. Rudy, where Rudolph, thank you Rudy, I understand, I understand, I understand… Ma, you hearing me, Rudy you think she hearing me, Ma I understand…”
