By Julie Charles
ONE of the hardest things to do is to impart forgiveness to someone who has wronged or deeply hurt you in some way. Some human beings may find the courage to forgive but may never find enough courage to forget. The question then begs to be asked then what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is the act of ceasing to resent or offer pardon to the party who has wronged you.
It is often our pride and predetermined standards that affect our willingness to forgive as well as our fear and unwillingness to let go of the past, which is the true hindrance to forgiveness. But, “the weak can never forgive as forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” That quotation is extremely deep as we tend to think that to forgive means that we are being weak and pathetic and being strong means holding on to our resentment while remaining firm in our convictions.
However, the act of forgiving not only frees the person who injured you from their guilt but frees you from the resentment and anger you carry around that can become very heavy with each passing day. It is believed that when you hold on to resentment towards another you are bound to that person or situation by a strong emotional link that is stronger than steel, and the only way to break that link and to be set free is to forgive and let go. I recognise that this for some is an extremely difficult task as that resentment may be born from years of trust that was broken or extreme disappointment in someone you loved. However, most persons do not truly understand the weight that this bitterness carries. It affects your daily life as it lives just beneath the surface of your consciousness and waits to interfere with your life in some way. It could be a misunderstanding among friends that can be blown out of proportion because of past resentment or a formulation of mistrust because someone else in your past did a similar deed.
A true experience for me was trying to forgive a parent; as like most of the adults here in St. Kitts, I was raised by a wonderfully strong mother and an extremely absent father. Although, he was absent by choice, that did not stop me from yearning for his approval and love, which was never forthcoming. I happened to get the opportunity to live with him while studying abroad and I can safely state that it was one of my worse experiences. Years after graduating and returning home there was still such anger and resentment towards him that I refused to forgive him, or search for him. However, three years ago I received word that he was very gravely ill and wanted to see but he was ashamed. I had to dig deep and muster all my courage I possessed to see him. On seeing him, all the resentment fell away, as there was no way I could hold such animosity against someone in such bad shape. He was blind and when I called him daddy he recognised my voice and called my name and started to cry. We had not been in touch for years and I recognise that he was not going to last very long. I had to give him peace and allow him to go to his grave with my forgiveness in his heart. I had no choice but to forgive him. I tried my best to bring comfort him in the last year of his life, and when he finally passed on I cried because I was free and so was he. I can look back and not remember the bad memories but remember that he was my father and a part of him lives on in me.
Forgiveness is about healing yourself, letting go of negative energy that makes you unhappy, afraid, hesitant, uncertain, insecure, doubtful, and unsure. No one wants to be sad or resentful, but these feelings will bury themselves and appear when they are not expected. Sometimes dwelling on the past may teach us lessons that are required to make us better human beings, but if looking back conjures up feelings of anger and resentment then the only lesson that needs to be learnt is the lesson of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not easy task and may take months and even years but there must be a start to the process. Sincere forgiveness is not coloured by expectations that the person you forgive will apologise or change. Don’t worry about their reaction, whether they understand you or even get why you are forgiving them. Just forgive them, love them, and then release them. Life feeds back truth and understanding to people in its own time and way.
Always remember that to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that prisoner is “YOU”.
