To reflect on one’s life is an exercise that often yields some of life’s profound answers. I often find myself reflecting on life not at the point of accomplishment but at the point of losing someone who has inspired me to push myself to the limit. I lost two such persons very suddenly last year and last month. Their deaths are still very raw in my heart and I do miss them terribly.
First, I lost Mr Mervin Liburd, a man I met through my cousin Beulah as both him and his wife were friends of hers for many years in Canada. He would come down often to visit his family and friends here in St. Kitts and would stay with my cousin. We stroke up an instant friendship as he told me he saw greatness in me. We would sit for hours just talking about politics, religion, and the state of our society.
He would talk about his small days and how things had changed so drastically. What made him such a special person to me was his willingness to teach me and guide me because of the potential he saw in me. He was always willing to offer advice to all my projects and say to me “go for it you can do it!” No matter how old you get it is always reassuring to hear the sincerity in such words. The feeling is amazing and often times give you a boost of confidence to pursue dreams which would have otherwise been put aside.
When I got the news that he had passed away in his sleep while on one of his visit to St. Kitts, I was devastated. I had just seen him a couple days ago and told him I needed to speak to him about of my upcoming projects. He had lit up like a 100 watt bulb with anticipation at what I wanted to discuss with him, and he had laughed his usual hearty laugh that could be seen in his eyes. Now he was gone and I didn’t understand why I had not gotten the opportunity to say one last thank you for all he did for me.
For someone to take time out of their schedule, to not only see potential in you but to offer guidance, is truly a selfless act and for that he will always be one of my heroes. His funeral was a rough one for me as I could not bring myself to wrap my mind around the thought that I would never have the opportunity of his council and wisdom. It was truly a sad day for me but I have the memories of his words of insight. I will never forget them as long as I live.
Second, I lost my God Daddy this April, Mr Joseph Esdaille or Boy Blue. What a truly amazing man he was and my spirit were truly broken at losing him. He was a man, who was a quiet force in my life. His example as a husband, a father, a sibling and man was exemplary. He never hesitated to listen to my crazy schemes or many projects. He always provided encouragement and ensured that I knew that he believed in me. He would ensure that I had my yearly diary and pen to jot down all my dreams and aspirations for the year.
When I heard he was in the hospital, it never crossed my mind for one moment that I would never see him alive again. As I walked into his hospital room, my heart dropped to the floor. No, it can’t be but I have learnt to see the signs of death. My mother said to him “Blues you will walk out of here like I did last month” and his response was “Girl, Cynthie what is to be will be I done make up my mind.” Tears began to flow down my face as I knew in my heart that we were losing him and he had already made his peace.
This can’t be, were the words that came to my confused mind. He can’t be leaving I haven’t spoken to him about my newest crazy idea; I haven’t seen him laugh his hearty laugh. What is happening and why am I losing my heroes so rapidly. I left his hospital room feeling like someone had pulled the proverbial rug from under my feet and my spirit was spinning and out of balance. Although my eyes told me that we were losing him, my heart refused to believe that he would leave us so quickly. Two days later as I laid in my bed about 5:50am and I heard my mother’s phone ringing and I knew he was gone.
My mother came to my room and said “Julie” and I responded “I know Mommy” and began to cry. It was a rough couple days and what eased my heart was on a visit to his house, his wife said to me that he thought of me as his daughter not just his God daughter. I was both humbled and honoured that he thought so highly of me as I thought so highly of him. His funeral was a wonderful celebration of an amazing man who had touched so many lives with his special brand of encouragement. I felt very special having known him and being a part of his world.
Upon reflection, I have been blessed to have been given the chance to know these two great men. When asked, where I get my inspiration from, I can point to these two men among a couple others who are still with me guiding me and encouraging me to be the best I can be. To always reach for the sky and don’t let others opinions deter me. I am a better woman for having known these two amazing, giving, caring and remarkable men. It is almost as if they have infused me with their extraordinary qualities and I do hope that one day I can impart the same type of inspiration to at least one person the way they have shaped and influenced me.
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