I couldn’t believe what I was reading: “POSSIBLE CANCER ACTIVITY IN LYMPHATIC NODES”
After my primary diagnosis of Breast Cancer in November 2012, radical mastectomy (removal of left breast), removal of lymphatic nodes, removal of my uterus, ovaries and 8 chemotherapies; all my blood tests, mammograms, CT scans, bone density scans and tumoral markers had been negative (the last one in October 2015).
However, I started feeling a “sensation” difficult to explain in the same area where my breast had been removed. In spite of all tests being negative, an internal voice was telling me to search deeper. Simply, my Lord’s voice.
I did a PET scan on the 18th of December in Puerto Rico with the hopes to celebrate Christmas with the reassurance that CANCER was a word of my past.
I received the devastating news on the 22nd of December, 2015 while happily working at my office. The previous day, I had put a big sign in my office as my patients kept complaining that they couldn’t see the small one. My plans were to start working full time again and come back to the Theatre at Alexandra Hospital. But who am I to make plans from the future? God has his own plans.
I wanted to believe with all my heart that it was a “false positive”, sometimes machines make mistakes, but as a doctor I knew a biopsy needed to be done. The localizations of those positive nodes were close to vital organs, it was a high risk involved but I wanted to do all what I could to reassure myself that it was just a false alarm. After the biopsy I came back home to celebrate with my family the beginning of a new year, hoping with all my heart that that was the end. A notification to “COME IN PERSON” for the results “rang” the alarm. I traveled back to Puerto Rico and directly visited my oncologist. When the doctor read the report of the biopsy, I couldn’t believe it. He handed me the paper and I just kept looking at it with disbelief, double checking if it has my name on it. It was a trillion times worse than the first time I got diagnosed with cancer. My mind went blank and I simply couldn’t move. I can hardly remember all the places they directed me to be prepared for the next stage. I was in negation. I filled out papers and answered so many questions from the different nurses, almost without energy. Because God NEVER leaves us alone, one nurse stopped what she was doing, took my hand and asked if she could pray for me. God sent her to be with my tired soul, she was an angel. Her profound prayers for a “complete stranger” in much need of consolation and her warm hug revived my body and gave me the strength to call my Essien, “the other patient”.
It’s a lot more difficult than the first time for Jossy and Jonny (my J’s) they are mature children and so cancer educated. None of us was ready for me to be far away again and facing this ordeal that soon. Who can be ready to be deprived of a peaceful, productive life?
I started thinking what I didn’t do right to cause this monster to come back. I had tried seemingly everything: I even took my ovaries to prevent a recurrence, I did not work full time as I wanted to, I exercised and ate healthily. But I also know that in some percentage of us, in spite of all done, micromethastasis (traveling of cancerous cells via blood or lymphatic nodes) can happen. It was extremely difficult to hear of the very well-known debilitating treatments, this time more aggressive than the first time. I was told I need 25 radiotherapies, two types of chemotherapy for one year and another one for five years.
I was told that the monthly price for the one needed for a year was 19,000 US dollars. Who can afford that? The first weeks were weeks of searching around the world for more affordable options. I do not have millions in banks, but better than that, I have friends around the world who found better options. As my Essien and sisters said: “Somehow we are going to make it, you just focus on beating that monster again”.
How I am feeling? I am just a human, the first days I reached levels of deep depression, everything looked dark, I did not even want to open my eyes. Even knowing that this is not selfinflicted, I feel guilty to be causing once more a complete chaos in my beloved family, I feel guilty to be costing so much money. My body was so tired and scared to start a complicated battle.
I was told of a place where to stay free of cost, sponsored by the American Cancer Society called “HOPE LODGE”, I agreed to stay there to reduce expenses. THANK YOU LORD for directing me there. From the time I entered the door, affection and love was in the air. Children and adults from around the world receiving dialysis, radiotherapy and chemotherapy welcomed me. I cried and cried. I was hugged and fed. My silence was respected until I was ready to share. Days after….LORD, thank you. I was able to make others feel better as “I HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH SURGERIES AND CHEMOS”.
My dear sister Edith left everything in Sweden and came to start with me this new war. What a beautiful gift! I was able to rest my mind as she took control of everything: appointments, diet, and exercise. She is also a doctor and still my best friend.
A second day at the Lodge sharing with other patients, I heard a familiar voice almost screaming: “Dr. Bardales? Yes, it's you!! Dr. Bardales!” All that time I did not even mention I was a doctor as my role is simply “a cancer patient”. When I turned, I saw the beautiful face of Melissa Nisbett. We laughed and hugged. I have a Nevisian sister here! She is here with 3 years old Madikai who was diagnosed with leukemia in July 2015. What a contagious laugh and incredible energy he has. Who would guess that he had chemotherapy that day? Who could guess that he had survived six blood transfusions and platelets, two bone marrow aspirations, three lumbar punctures and a Medport implant? His indomitable spirit filled my body with strength. He kept repeating NO to everything we asked him. I told Melissa that he is saying “NO “to cancer. After some time, his tired little body rested, trustingly on his mother's loving shoulders. We silently prayed. The fear abandoned my body, forever I hope. Believing with every atom in my body I whispered to him: “We will beat this together, little Madikai. God will see us through. AMEN”.
Feeling Jesus' presence carrying me, holding my sister's hand and with the smiling image of my little warrior, I started my battle.
Five weeks have passed since I started sharing with you, since I began my treatment. Only five more radiations are left, so far my skin has not peeled off, hopefully I will resist as I do not want to spend one extra day far from home. I can continue with chemo treatment in Nevis. I am struggling with dysphagia (difficulty swallowing). It hurts a lot even to swallow saliva. I also have extremely painful mouth sores. My appetite had decreased and I had no taste for food. For some days I just needed my bed. The accumulative effects of both radiation and chemotherapy given at the same time are making my body weak.
My Essien and my J's came some days ago as my sister needed to go back to her world. Their prayers, kisses, massages, reading stories for me, even their little fights over ideas and books are the best medicine ever imagined. My Essien's delicious food and skills as a doctor are definitely bringing back my appetite and healing my sores. Faith keeps us afloat.
Today is Valentine's Day in different parts of the world. A big hug full of love for each one of you. For me, brothers and sisters this is another incredible, blessed day. I had the energy to wake up very early as I love to do and admire the beginning of a new day. From a window of a beautiful apartment in the heart of San Juan given from Puerto Rican angels to my family to complete my treatment, I observe my J's still sleeping. I kiss each one of them and with a contrite heart I pray God to fill my body with acceptance of His will. I will not make more plans. He has the plans. I will live my today the best I can. I will not only survive. I will EMBRACE LIFE while it is given to me. While my lungs help me to breathe, I will. While my bones carry me around I will go and enjoy our Lord's creations and glorify His name. While my heart beats I will LOVE. While my hands allow me to write, I will share with YOU, because the experiences of others have been helping me all this time. I pray with all my heart that you do not need to walk this complicated path. If you are in it, I pray for your journey to be easier than mine.
This February is dedicated to highlight the importance of early detection of cancer. Please, take the responsibility to be vigilant about your own health. There are a lot of males and females who just needed a simple procedure yet are leaving life at its full potential. Do not be scared, but think of the possibility of Cancer as a diagnosis of any symptom as it is on the rise worldwide. Remember my friends, it's YOUR body. You must know it better than anybody else. Examine yourself. Touch it! If you notice that something is not right, visit your doctor. If you are not satisfied with his/her answer, go for a second opinion. Be vigilant without panicking. We cannot let Cancer intimidate us. GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER. If you are healthy: hug, kiss, enjoy, and tell others how much you care for them. Do not wait until you become sick.
In this Valentine's month in which we celebrate and share messages of LOVE, I ask you to please help little Madikai. His mother left her nine and six year old children back home to be full time with him. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her as a single mother. He was hospitalized for 12 weeks. Melissa was given a bill of 59, 957 US dollars. Some was paid thanks to government and friends. She is really thankful. They still need to be traveling back and forth for the following seven months to continue his treatment. Anything you can do for them will relieve the stress from the high expenses and help him to get better. There are hopes of total remission for him. Who knows if he will one day be treating one of us? Little Madikai's fight inspired my son Jonathan to finish a project to raise funds for cancer patients. You will hear more about it soon.
Thank you, brothers and sisters for your love and prayers. My Nevis is really special as it's my children's country and the island where I became closer to our Almighty. My physical strength is challenged once more, but my spirit and trust in my Lord grow every day. Amen.
Do not have pity on me or my family. I truly believe that the worst cancer is the “CANCER OF THE SPIRIT” the one that makes us angry and never thankful. I have some cancerous cells in my body that I trust are disappearing. Cancer can never touch my soul. My faith will determine my victory (1 John 5:4) with my Lord's help, very soon I will be back home, back at my office, serving him, serving you Our small NGO, “The Nevis Maternal Health Fund” is still hoping to reach the amount needed to provide each health center and hospital with breast models for all of us to learn how abnormal lumps in our breast are detected. Knowledge is the key.
Please find enclosed contact numbers for our organization and my email address. We believe that by embracing each other, difficult paths are easier to walk.
Kindly specify via email or text what you are donating towards.
To contribute to "Madikai's Back to Health", contact his grandmother Agnes Nisbett at: 469-0975
Melissa Nisbett: National Bank AC #: 21222716 Also FINCO have established an account for him.
Breast Examination Simulator. NMHF’s goal is to place one in each Health Center, hospital and other Health Units. Help us raise US $3000.00 for this vital learning equipment.
Contributions are welcome: Bank of Nevis Acct. No.219903 PayPal nmhf@sisterisles.kn Or any member of our team: Tracy Frazer phone: 6634846 (very conveniently located at Nevis Tourism Authority): Roxane Brookes: 6628934; Shelisa Martin: 6636302; Sharon Brantley: 6629259; Irene Macek: 6678618; Tina Hull: 7662884; email: dr_jbardales@yahoo.com
All that is left for me to say now is THANK YOU for being part of so many blessed pages of my life. With the help of our Almighty, see you soon.
Dr. Jessica Bardales (living one day at a time)
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