“When we are fighting fears that feel like sure defeats, when our souls are weary and our spirits dry, OUR LORD never leaves our side. In every storm, my heart will give you praise.”
August 31st, 2018 -- A month ago my peaceful universe was abruptly shaken once more. After surviving co-infected malaria (2 deadly species) in the middle of Hurricane Irma in September 2017 that got complicated with pulmonary edema and possible thromboembolism, I finally traveled overseas to get my bi-annual checks. I was glad that all the tests done to rule out cancer activity were negative. I was told to check in six months images that looked like inflammatory changes due to the malaria parasite.
Because I was experiencing unusual rashes on my neck, exhaustion after simple chores and the tactile sensation of an enlarged lymphatic node in my armpit, I sought medical care before the time advised. I wanted to be wrong but I can smell the devil!! A contrasted CT scan showed a bunch of enlarged nodes in my axillary and pectoral area. They did a biopsy right on the spot. My oncologist was having a hard time going straight to the point. At that time I thought “Thank God I have a compassionate doctor.”
The biopsy came positive for cancerous cells. That means I have a recurrence of the original breast cancer tumor. This time there are not only 2 tiny areas like in 2016 when I was ordered 15 radiotherapies as a treatment. This time there is a cluster of enlarged lymphatic nodes in the same area (pectoral area) where I had the first surgery six years ago. I need to do further testing of a strange image in my spine and a “lump” of sudden growth in the middle of my neck.
Brother and sisters, I am human, a simple human. My soul abandoned me for an entire 72 hours. Everything seems like in a terror movie. Fear and anguish took over every atom in my body to the point that I could not breathe. I was too devastated to see my children, to call my husband, to face the world. I had heard those emotions from my patients but I had never experienced them to that extent. Is the most accurate word to describe it deep depression? Maybe numbness or death in a living body? I do not know how to describe those feelings. I pretended to be my old, strong self and called my close family and informed them. It was my same way of walking and smiling, the same voice was coming from inside of me saying words, calming everybody but IT WAS NOT ME. Even though I was surrounded by my loved ones, who are suffering immensely because they can do little, nothing was bringing me back. I sank incredibly deep into hopelessness and despair. I forgot for some hours WHERE TO GO, WHO TO REACH.
Down again? Hadn’t I just survived pulmonary edema, thromboembolism and two types of malaria less than 8 months ago? Didn’t I survive a surgery to completely remove my breast and lymphatic nodes of that area, the removal of my ovaries, gallbladder, removal of my uterus, repair of my bladder, 8 months of two types of chemotherapies, 25 radiotherapies, 6 months of oral chemotherapy and daily hormonal therapy that gives me so many side effects? Again? Am I am not doing my part? Must I fight again? Do I have any physical or mental strength left?
My sister was lovingly and silently at my side at all times during those first hours of consternation and desolation. She dragged me outside, it was almost 8 p.m.
Do you believe in God’s signs? I saw a bird, in the highest building singing in a unique way, I wish I had reacted fast enough to record it. I did not invent it. He was there singing FOR ME! My sister and niece were there to testify that it happened. I replied to the bird and I started laughing uncontrollably, feeling an immediate, indescribable peace. All of a sudden, a cloudy day gave space to the SUN! At 8 p.m.! I am in Sweden, and even if they tell me that it usually happens here, I know that it was our Lord who spoke to me once more. I am back!! I welcomed my body again. This Inca body that has been accompanying me for almost 50 years. This body that has tried with a sincere heart to help wherever it goes. The one that gave birth and breastfed two amazing children, the one that loves souls and not bodies. This body that helped me to get countless experiences in so many countries, that helped me to be a ‘trillionaire’, enriched by the number of remarkable persons I got to know from all walks of life, giving me the opportunity to be part of their lives as a doctor, but better, as a friend. This body that screams at the top of her lungs at the sight of a simple flower or cries inconsolably during a cartoon movie. I am back and I am OK. I’ll not abandon this body that the Lord created until HE DECIDES, He, the Great Physician. I am so thankful for my LIFE. I am sorry for not doing more for YOU, but my Lord knows I tried, I tried very hard. I apologize for being silent for a while.
Even when I was physically and spiritually fragile, God never abandoned me. He was carrying me. HE is doing it now and forever.
Isaiah 66:9: "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord."
Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
On several occasions I felt my death so close to the point of thinking that if I went to sleep I may not wake up. The Lord has given me so many blessings and miracles that I am compelled to share some. Mark 16:15: And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.”
I am not adding anything at all to make it more appealing as story tellers do. I am telling you real, honest experiences.
During my malarial infection, on the second night at our local hospital and feeling a lot better, I convinced my Dr. Essien to rest at home and not in a chair next to me. During my peaceful sleep, I woke up not able to breathe. It was past 11 p.m. I was in a small private room, no nurses around, the telephone far from my reach. I was dying alone with no hopes of being heard as I was not capable of making any noise. I still cannot believe how unexpectedly Essien opened the door at that precise moment, switched on the light and found me drowning. I had developed pulmonary edema (water in the lungs) so rapidly. He quickly alerted our colleagues and nurses. My body fought to remain alive. What made Essien come back in the middle of the night, at that precise moment? It was our Lord’s work. AMEN!!
The pure, sincere energy of so many persons in our wonderful community had being helping me to reach this far. A lady, who brought me breakfast in our Alexandra Hospital, held my hand and sang a beautiful Christian song soothing my soul which was in more need than my body. After attempting to lower my high fever with conventional medications, but not seeming to get a response, one of our nurses bathed me. It was not the bath, it was her soothing voice and the LOVE her hands transmitted that ensured the fever never came back.
My unexpected arrival at the I.C.U unit at the J. N. F General Hospital in St. Kitts, where I stayed for almost a month, was enriching. I was interacting, for the first time, in some cases, with so many loving and qualified colleagues, nurses, lab technicians and other hospital staff. I am eternally thankful.
Those days were insanely rough. I was experiencing shortness of breath and palpitations almost double my normal range. This prevented me walking any further than the bathroom while hooked to the oxygen tank. An elderly lady from the very early cleaning shift, would come almost every day and pray with me and offer, in spite of my protests, to comb my hair and wash my clothes. WE DO NOT NEED TO BE A DOCTOR or part of any organization to give our LOVING LIGHT TO OTHERS.
I am preparing to start a new set of treatments to deal with this new recurrence. How am I feeling? My strength and faith are back! I am ready to fight! My children are cancer-aware in all senses of the word. We do not want to think about the staging or the meaning of another recurrence, but focus on our today. My love for my “J’s” and their love for me bounce me back each time I slump. “I need you, you are my everything”. “Fight, mommy, please, promise me you will never get tired of fighting” they say.
After reaching out for prayers and advice from some of my cancer warriors (at one point, some were my patients and are now my guides), and also to my dear sisters, members of the “Nevis Maternal Health Fund”, I felt as if they were literally forming a circle around me and will help me to resist this year of treatment. I will fight with the help of my Almighty to remain in the life of my children, my family and you who I may be able to serve.
A “lump” of rapid growth and hard consistency in the middle of my neck, alarmed my oncologist and me. They did several tests and booked me for a possibly removal or guided biopsy. All were seriously concerned as it is close to vital vessels. While waiting for the biopsy, I decided to wear turtle neck blouses and not to look in the mirror as the lump was reaching an alarming size in a short period, causing me to be constantly dizzy and uncomfortable. The ambulance came once as I fainted. During that week of waiting, all I did was to eat healthier (a lot of natural juices), exercise and PRAY. I know miracles happen. I did not look at the mirror as promised. When the day of the biopsy came, the radiologist called more and more colleagues in disbelief. It had completely disappeared!! I KNEW IT! They sent me home and I happily obeyed. 2 weeks after, another oncologist said that she needed to address it properly as she could not find a rational explanation. She sent me to see an ear, nose and mouth specialist. After more exams and tests, she also concluded: IT IS NOT THERE. There is nothing to mask the described lump. What happened? They do not understand. I DO. It was my Lord’s intervention!
Five weeks have passed since I started writing to you. The image of my spine was negative, my lungs are clear; the lump in my neck is gone. I am started the second month of treatment to hopefully obtain regression of the spreading of disease in the lymphatic nodes. I need to be honest, the treatment is tough. I am getting two injections every 15 days and three tablets daily. My little body felt so many indefinable sensations, that I joked about being in an interminable rollercoaster but my passion for life makes me treasure each day with gratefulness to our almighty.
A cancer diagnosis and the subsequent journey launches a family into the unknown, but four words link the heart to the anchor of God’s steadfast love: No matter what happens. I give thanks. Gratitude, no matter what happens, helps me every day to roll up my sleeves, like most of us women, mothers around the world, and find inner strength to be a present figure in the life of my family and in society. Gratitude is a current that will run forever in my blood. If my life is meant to be in constant combat with the devil, I will be the most valiant warrior. I seem to be losing my hair once more, I do not care, it can go but never my faith.
Dear brothers and sisters. We need to try very hard to reduce our exposure to modifiable behavioral risk factors to influence health outcomes, physical inactivity, unhealthy diet and harmful use of alcohol are among them. Psychological stress is common in many physical illnesses and is increasingly recognized as a risk factor for disease onset and progression. Do not wait until it is too late to make drastic, positive changes in your life. Our health is our responsibility.. Our time on Earth may be shorter than what we wish or expect. Life is unpredictable and only our Lord holds the future, let’s not wastes our time in hurting each other. A loving word, a loving touch can be more powerful than all medications together. You may leave a store, offices or hospital not remembering complicated names but the attitude, the friendly smile of an employee, a nurse, a doctor or a cleaner can save lives.
There were two events in the past year that distracted me as they caused me great disappointment and pain. They depleted me as much emotionally as cancer itself. Our NGO, The Nevis Maternal Health Fund (NMHF), has being serving with honesty and transparency, discreetly or openly, especially during times of need of specialized medical attention. We are determined to carry on our work of love in the community but with more judiciousness and prudence. We are determined to continue working with our authorities to enhance rapid response in health emergencies for all in St. Kitts and Nevis as the one I urgently needed.
This humble servant is always there for you, to put to your use my professional skills, my cancer wisdom and my eternal love. I will never stop believing in the goodness of people. If I do, I better die. I am of the conviction that there is so much greatness in this world.
My love for you has denuded me of my shyness and overcome language barriers, in my unstoppable efforts to exhort you to make time to promote a healthy living now, that you are strong. Avoid being in this site of the road. If you are, do not be afraid to forgive yourself for moments of despair. Every battle is unique, not all bodies take diseases the same and not all have a loving person next to them. Let’s be an angel for someone else. If you are feeling down today, for whatever reason in life, it is ok. Cry and scream but remember where to turn. He is always there. As the songwriter says: “I’m only human, I’m just a woman …Lord, for my sake teach me to take one day at a time.”
That there is power in individual or collective prayers is undeniable. All of us are in need of them for different reasons in life. Can we pray sincerely for one another? Our valiant, exceptional, spirited Lea Parris-Cambridge needs it. Her bravery is remarkable and inspiring. Do not feel pity. Peace and gratitude filled our hearts. The love and mercy of our almighty are in control. I also ask for your prayers. I need them.
I am going to rest and imagine myself in the serenity of our Caribbean sea with the assurance that God is bigger than anything.
Much love
Jessica
I created a blog: “Facing cancer with faith” to share my journey with you at: https://cancerjnevis.blogspot.com/
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