By Dr  Ian Jacobs 

The style in which we were parented, be it by a single mum, both parents, a grandmother, other family member or foster parents has a significant effect on who we are, what we become, and the different hang-ups or 'issues' we all end up with.

This is not to say that we can never rise above these issues, as many do successfully. And there is really no perfect style, as other factors such as the environment as well as the countervailing influences of other adults and our peers play important roles as we develop. But parenting is where we all start.

We must also remember that any ‘baggage’ our parents left with us may not have been because they were wrong or bad, but may have been because of mixed or wrong messages they themselves were given by their parent figures.

In assessing Parenting, people often look at specific aspects such as spanking, playing, or reading aloud to children. While these are important individual elements, the broad pattern of parenting is what is more important. As mentioned above, there is no perfect style, but there are important variations in parents’ attempts to control and socialize their children, which is basically what parenting is about. Excluded here are abnormal patterns of parenting involving child abuse or neglect, which clearly lead to obviously damaged kids. Normal parenting issues center around issues of control, i.e., how we manage our children’s attitudes/behaviour to ensure that they develop in ways that are socially acceptable to us and the wider community.

This leads to 3 key points:

1. In today's world, with very young parents and the shrinkage of the extended family (grand-parents, uncles and aunts are often too busy in their own lives to fill in gaps left by biological parents) many children come up without any major attempt to direct them, and
2. How we attempt to socialize our kids is influenced positively and negatively by problems in our own socialization and control by our parent-figures;
3. As adults we must always interact with children and adolescents in positive ways, which might, to some extent, compensate for any deficient or pathologic parenting styles to which they may be exposed.

Two important aspects of parenting were pointed out by Maccoby & Martin, as outlined in the reference below. Parental Responsiveness is the 'extent to which parents foster individuality, self-regulation and self assertion by being attuned and supportive of their children's special needs and demands', and Parent Demandingness is the 'claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole by supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys'.

There are four main types of parenting styles described, namely Indulgent, Authoritarian, Authoritative and Uninvolved.

Indulgent Parenting Style: This style is warm but permissive, avoids confrontation, and allows for considerable self-regulation (self-direction) by the child. At best, indulgent parents are democratic and remain engaged with their kids. At worst, these parents are totally non-directive and allow the child to decide on their own activities, within their own time. An example of an indulgent/permissive parent may be a mother who gives her son 18-year old son $50 a week, knowing that he uses the money to buy rum, which he drinks at home in his bedroom or at the kitchen table every night. 

Authoritarian Parenting Style: These parents tend to very strict and commanding, but quite unresponsive to their children’s special needs. An example of an authoritarian parent may be a father who spends little time conversing with or spending quality time with his daughter, but demands unquestioning respect and obedience from her, and beats her harshly at any sign of ‘backchat’ or rudeness. At best, authoritarian parents may be directive but not overly interfering or overbearing in their exercise of power. The 'worst' of these is totally intrusive and oppressive, stifling the individuality of the child.

Authoritative Parenting Style: These parents are firm and demanding, as well as responsive to their children’s needs. Whilst imparting clear standards, and monitoring their kids for their adherence to these standards, they are not intrusive or restrictive. For example, the father who gives his 16-year old daughter permission to attend a class party, while also ensuring that she adheres to her curfew, can be described as authoritative.

Uninvolved Parenting Style: These parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. They are not attuned to their children’s needs, nor do they set standards for them to follow. An example of an involved or neglectful parent may be the mother who does not care whether her 10-year old son has supper at evenings, does his homework, or even goes to school the next day. Much parenting of this type can fall into the normal range, but it is easy for these parents to become neglectful.

Whilst the authoritative style is clearly the optimal style, and the Uninvolved the least desirable, few parents fit into any one pattern all the time, and we probably all exhibit some aspects of all types at different times.

Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative rate themselves and are rated by objective measures as more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are non-authoritative. Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behaviour, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression. 

Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression. 

We all can see some aspects of each of these styles in the way we ourselves were parented, and in the way we parent those whom we are charged to 'Control and Direct' .The key thing as parents is to realize that we must always strive for a balance between the responsiveness and demandingness aspects of parenting.

An understanding of the way parenting styles affects the development of children is important for us all:
1. to understand the quirks in our own personalities caused by the way we were parented, and to help us seek help where necessary in adjusting our own personalities, and
2. to make sure we parent our kids, or those who we have influence over in ways which lead to their optimal development.

Ref: http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html

"LifeLines is a monthly column dedicated to addressing issues of mental, behavioural, and social health. The column appears on the 1st weekend of the month, and is written by professionals in the field of social work, mental health, and community medicine".