By Julie Charles

THIS week’s topic really strikes close to home and extremely personal, but for some of you it might just bring back unresolved feelings. However, in order to grow as individuals we must attempt and, most cases, conquer our unresolved feelings that may lie beneath the surface of our conscience.

Grief is defined as an intense or deep sorrow, which most of us have experienced in some form.  For some, more than others, have experienced intensity of our lost of loved ones and the pain may still be quite fresh.

However, the question is how do you deal with your own grief? Dealing with grief is an individual dilemma as most of us have dealt with it the best way we can manage. It is often stated that time heals grief for we change because of it and are no longer the same persons. So far, there are only a few ways known to handle your grief. The first is the tears. “Tears are the silent language of grief.” A few of us, especially the men, think or believe that to cry means that you are weak. That is not the case as I tried that once by not crying for my grandmother and rationalising that she was with my grandfather and in a better place, so there was no need to cry. That was not a very good idea. Years later when I visited her grave, all my sealed up and unresolved emotions came pouring out. I cried like a baby and I had no clue why this had occurred as I thought I had dealt with my grief. In truth, I had not dealt with it, I had simply buried it and it came back with the realisation that the woman who loved me unconditionally was gone. There is an old saying that states “he that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.”

So, in dealing with grief, we must not hide from it but face it. Because if left unchecked or not dealt with it will come back when you least expect it.

It is also believed that it helps to talk when dealing with grief and it helps to have good friends to lean on.  Allowing your friends to create a cocoon of comfort makes facing your grief a lot easier and, although you may never truly recover from losing someone that was close to you, it would ease the realisation that you will have to go through life without them physically with you.

Grief is something that is extremely intimate too, as I have a very large extended family that is also very close. Not only did I lose my father in 2006 but I lost my uncle who was my true Dad. I lost him to a horrible disease called cancer and although I had the misfortune of watching him slowly slip away from us, I could not bring myself to realise that I was losing him. I wanted him to fight even though he had fought so hard and there was no more fight left in him. I refused to give up even though my eyes told me he was leaving us. I held his frail hand as he spoke my name and I could see the life slipping from him and I still refuse to believe that he was leaving. How could he leave us? Where was he going? I still believed that we had time to joke, laugh, and talk about his travels.  But time was slipping away from us. Finally to see him lie on his hospital bed lifeless was more than I could take. I tried to touch him but he was gone. He had left without saying goodbye and it hurt like someone had ripped out a piece of my heart. I could not think, I could not feel, I wanted to run away and be alone and I did. I walked until there was no one around and I bawled until my eyes were swollen. I then called my friends and they all rallied around me like my own personal army. I felt their strength and their love, and I was truly grateful that I had such good friends. 

His funeral was one of the most difficult moments in my life. I had to say goodbye to a man I had grown up admiring and who helped me to pursue and further my education.  He was always there to encourage me, laugh with me, watching me play mass during Carnival and, to be honest, I had no idea how I would get through it. However, there was one friend in particular who was my rock and I could not have gotten through this ordeal without that individual. When I felt weak that friend held me up both physically and emotionally.

I am still waiting for the dry cleaning bill for the amount of tears I put on my friend’s suit, but in these tough times friends are people you can count on. I am still dealing with my grief as I still expected him to call me for my birthday as he used to do, and even writing this piece has brought tears to my eyes. My only comforting thought is that he no longer feels the enormous pain that he was experiencing.

I have lost many which include my grandparents, my baby brother at age 19 to a horrible accident, a best friend and confidant, and just this month my aunt who was a strong thread in the fabric of my life. The saying is true that “Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need of hell”. But I always believe that there is hope. Losing our loved ones is something that we fear but it is an occurrence that is unfortunately inevitable. How we choose to deal with grief depends on our emotional growth. We can choose to pretend that the lost has not occurred and stay in a state of denial, we can choose to allow the people close to us and that love us to assist in the healing process, or we can understand that the pain will pass and the beauty of that loved one’s memory will always remain with us.

There is no doubt that grief changes us but it is our decision whether it changes us for the better. Do we have a better appreciation of life? Do we become more aware of the precious time we have? Or do we decide to bury our grief and live our lives like we did before? Only a mature individual would recognise that within death is the renewal of life.  Life goes on and although it resumes without the loved one that has passed, it is up to the individual to decide if they would take away the lesson that is embedded in the lost. My lost taught me to appreciate the time I have here and not to waste it on being unhappy, unfulfilled, miserable, and angry. I have learnt to get up in the morning and appreciate the morning with a smile. I have learnt to smile more often than I frown or get upset. I have learnt to love, to give and to be my true self. I have learnt not to take anyone that is close to me for granted, so if I need to remind them how much I love them then I do so openly and without fear. I have learnt that it is better to compromise than to hold on to a point to the bitter end. I have learnt that it makes no sense to have enemies as it is quite ridiculous. I have learnt to enjoy whatever activity I chose to do and to put my whole heart into it. 

What have you learnt from your grief? Only you can answer that. “Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding of life, and softens the heart.”