By Jeweleen Manners-Woodley

Whether it’s about doing the dishes, staying out too late, or not showing enough affection, conflict is a natural feature of relationships, even the happiest and healthiest ones.

Conflict is inevitable because no matter how ‘tight’ two  people are, they are still unique individuals with separate family histories, life experiences, personalities, opinions, feelings, interests and beliefs.  When these differences clash, (for example, when girlfriend is a ‘saver’ and boyfriend is a ‘spender’) then it’s relatively easy for a conflict, such as an argument, disagreement, or ‘all-out fight’, to occur.

Since conflicts are bound to happen anyway, what matters is not the fact that there will be conflict, but how the conflict is handled.  When disputes are managed in a calm and respectful manner, individuals have the opportunity to express negative feelings, clarify issues, or seek change to some kind of behaviour. Couples can emerge from these conflicts with a better understanding of each other and with an improved ability to make their relationships work. When conflicts are not handled well (for example, with threats, name-calling, or ‘the silent treatment’), then the relationship can quickly deteriorate while anger and resentment build up.

So what are some ways we can ‘fight fair’ in our relationships? 

Ten Rules for Fighting Fair

1.  Listen, and listen well -   If you are constantly interrupting, thinking of your rebuttal, or pacing around the room ‘steuppsing’ while your partner talks, you are not listening well.  Make a concerted effort to actively listen to your partner by staying calm and focusing on your mate with an aim to better understand his/her point of view.  Ask questions if further clarification is needed.

2.  Manage anger –Anger increases the likelihood that hurtful remarks, threats and physical violence will occur during a conflict. This only makes things worse.  As challenging as it might be, make a strong effort to control any angry feelings that may arise.  Try anger management strategies such as taking deep breaths, counting to 10, or leaving the room for a minute.  If you are still uncontrollably upset, let your partner know that you would like to discuss the issue at a time when you are feeling calmer and more in control.

3. Control tone and body language – Acts such as ‘eye rolling’, cursing, shouting, and finger pointing, convey negative emotions such as anger, contempt, and disrespect just as much as spoken words do.  Try to maintain a controlled tone of voice and a relaxed and open posture.  Avoid using swear words.

4. Express your views calmly and respectfully – Explain your thoughts and feelings in a calm and respectful way.  This encourages your significant other to also remain calm, and gives him/her the opportunity to listen and better understand your point of view.  

5.  Stick to specific issues – Avoid dragging up issues from the past to use as ‘ammunition’ during a disagreement.  This confuses the issue and can cause you to lose focus, especially since circumstances surrounding a past issue may be different from the present day complaint. Discuss one specific issue at a time.  Once that issue has been discussed and resolved, try to let it go!

6. Avoid personal attacks –   ‘Low-ball’ tactics such as cursing, name-calling, insulting, and personal attacks not only make the conflict worse, but can affect the relationship long after the argument has passed.  Words do hurt and often linger on in our minds after they have been spoken. Avoid attacking your partner’s personality and sense of worth (e.g, “You just nasty”) and stick to discussing the specific behaviour you would like to see change (e.g cleaning the house).

7. Avoid generalizations  - Avoid words such as ‘always’ or ‘never’, while expressing your point of view.  Statements such as ‘We never have fun anymore,” or “You always complaining” often make people feel angry and defensive, since they are usually exaggerations of the truth. People rarely do things one way 100 percent of the time, so leave room for error while describing the situation in a more specific way.  For example, instead of saying, “You always coming home late”, you can say, “I feel like you’re home late at least 3 nights out of the week”:

8.  Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ language-   Sentences that emphasize the word ‘you’, such as “You always making me vex”, “You don’t treat me right”,  or  “You have a problem”, appear to be ‘throwing blame’ on the other person for causing some kind of issue in the relationship.  This usually makes the conflict worse, since the other person feels that they have to defend themselves against the accusation.  Instead of ‘you’ language, practice using ‘I’ language, which emphasizes words such ‘I’ and ‘me’, instead of ‘you’. Examples: “Sometimes I feel like you don’t care for my needs, and it makes me upset”, or “I don’t like it when we fight.  It gets me worked up”. ‘I’ language shows that you take responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions, instead of placing blame solely on your partner’s behaviour.

9.  Focus on the issue, not who is right/wrong – Couples often spend a lot of energy in an argument proving their ‘rightness’ and the other person’s ‘wrongness’.  Relationships are hardly ever black and white.  Instead of ‘fighting to win’, as one quote says, ‘fight for your relationship’.  Focus your energies on resolving the issue at hand, not on ‘winning the battle’. 

10.  Apologize if necessary – If you feel that you have contributed to a particular issue in your relationship, don’t hesitate to say “I’m sorry’”.  This usually has a calming effect on disputes and allows the conflict to move towards resolution.  After apologizing, make an effort not to repeat the problem behaviour in the future.

In addition to the above guidelines, try to address conflict as soon as possible, instead of holding grudges or allowing bad feelings to fester.  Giving your mate ‘the silent treatment’ for a few hours or days may feel good, but doesn’t do much to help you both address the issues at hand.  Choose an appropriate time and place to talk (e.g at home instead of in the supermarket), and approach the issue with an open and flexible attitude, as well as a willingness to learn, compromise, forgive, and move on as necessary.  

Conflicts are inevitable, it’s how you handle them that counts!

"LifeLines is a monthly column dedicated to addressing issues of mental, behavioural, and social health. The column appears on the 1st weekend of the month, and is written by professionals in the field of social work, mental health, and community medicine".