By Michael J. Fallahay
I am convinced that after counselling couples for over 20 years, as well as being married twice myself (almost 24 years in my current marriage), that thriving in a committed relationship is not an easy accomplishment. No matter how much we may love our partner, an inevitable tension exists between our opposing needs for partnership (connection) and for differentiation (independence). This tension can be a powerful, positive growth process for both individuals, for their relationship, and for their children.
‘Partnership’ means two strong, self-respecting persons living together in a committed, loving, respectful, shared, emotionally intimate relationship. ‘Committed’ means ‘together for life’ and excludes other sexual partners. Emotional intimacy is not just passionate sex; it also includes feeling close (that is, safe, trusting, and loved) emotionally, spiritually, and physically. A healthy couple relationship is rooted in spirituality that honours the Divine that is greater than our selves. Partnership’s other foundations include faithfulness, trust, honesty, integrity, accountability, and mutual support. Additionally, responsibility for work, finances, and parenting need to be based on freely negotiated agreements between both partners that benefit both them and their children.
Partnership also requires differentiation in order for both persons to develop a healthy relationship as a couple. ‘Differentiation’ is the ongoing process of defining one’s self while growing closer to one’s lover. So it is important for each to have his/her own values, desires, and preferences without demanding agreement from or just giving in to the other partner. Becoming a person (differentiation) is a life-long process. For most of us, differentiation began around age two when we first said “no” to a parent. It developed significantly in our teen years when we adopted our own or our peers’ values, sometimes opposing our parents’ expectations. Ideally, this self-growth continues throughout our lives, whether we are single, married, or living in a committed relationship.
In couple relationships, one person may become anxious or afraid as a result of certain things her/his partner says or does, even if these things are in no way abusive. Healthy differentiation involves an ability to self-soothe, to recognise that I need to calm myself and not expect my spouse to calm my vexations and insecurities. Self-soothing could involve taking a time-out to ‘chill’ until I feel more centred. When I don’t soothe myself, I might react defensively when my spouse may be anxious, upset, or depressed. Her emotions might not all be triggered by me; they may arise from another source. Trying to explain my actions may only make her feel more isolated. Healthy differentiation calls for nonjudgmental listening, compassionate communication, and empathy (the ability to experience what the other person is feeling) without being overwhelmed by a partner’s distress. Actively listening to her anger and hurt and accepting that as her current reality, validates her experience and can be healing for both of us. Growth in intimacy and closeness may also require listening to, acknowledging, examining, and changing certain behaviours or speech that one’s partner finds disrespectful or offensive (whether intentional or not).
Independence and Intimacy
Partnership deepens as I take full responsibility for my own life while committing to grow closer to my spouse. Differentiation evolves as I become more aware of my own thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and desires. Intimacy develops as I allow my partner to see and to know me as I really am. This entails vulnerability, which is not the same as weakness. In turn, I create a climate where my lover can comfortably express who she is. We are aware of and accept each other’s boundaries/limits, differences, and similarities, while assertively asking for the changes we need from each other. We request help from each other without imposing our needs on each other or making demands.
Like much of life, the tension between partnership and differentiation is a balancing act. Failure to differentiate is to have one’s identity and sense of self fused with one’s spouse and to blame her/him for one’s thoughts, feelings, actions, and how life develops—individually and as a couple. This often leads to dependency, resentment, bitterness, loneliness, and loss of a sense of self, sometimes referred to as codependency. On the other hand, lack of partnership or connection can result in alienation, loneliness, lack of intimacy, unsatisfying or no sex, affairs, or contempt.
Such ultra-independent relationships may continue in the same home out of convenience and habit until one partner may eventually decide to leave. A healthy balance promotes interdependence between two whole persons growing independently while connecting intimately. Each partner is distinct without being distant from the other. Each understands that he/she is responsible to the other partner but not responsible for the partner. Together, they create an environment that supports each other’s independence, resilience, strength, aspirations, and mutual love, as well as those of their children.
Achieving interdependence and emotional connection as a loving couple is a growth process over the length of a partnership relationship. Essential to every healthy couple relationship is differentiation, the individual personal growth of each partner as they connect intimately with each other. Prayer and humour are certainly helpful, too, in promoting couple intimacy.
Michael J. Fallahay, MS in Marital and Family Therapy, LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Indiana) is a U.S. Peace Corps Volunteer serving in the Department of Gender Affairs.
(Grateful acknowledgment to the following couples’ therapists whose ideas contributed to this article: David Schnarch, PhD; Ellyn Bader, PhD; Rod Smith, MSMFT.)
"LifeLines is a monthly column dedicated to addressing issues of mental, behavioural, and social health. The column appears on the 1st weekend of the month, and is written by professionals in the field of social work, mental health, and community medicine".
