By Jeweleen Manners-Woodley
Counsellor, Counselling Center

Most people enter a new relationship with feelings of excitement and hope.   They may be attracted by their person’s physical appearance (his broad shoulders or nice smile), personality (her sense of humour) or financial status (the nice car or good job).  For many people, the start of a new relationship represents an end to loneliness and boredom, and the beginning of a life of companionship, happiness and love. 

While most relationships begin on a hopeful note, the person who has entered a relationship with an abuser soon has his/her dreams of happiness interrupted.  As the relationship progresses, the gestures of love and intimacy are replaced by hurtful remarks, angry outbursts, and manipulative behaviour. The person at the receiving end is left confused and hurt, as his/her mate slowly becomes unrecognizable. This may be the start of an abusive relationship.

What is an abusive relationship?

Relationships are abusive when one partner uses tactics to dominate, control or humiliate the other person.  Women are more commonly abused by men (for this reason, the female pronoun will be used more commonly in this article), however, many men are also abused in intimate partner relationships.

The abusive behaviour typically begins with episodes of verbal abuse (the use of language to control and hurt) and emotional abuse (tactics designed to cause emotional harm). Examples of verbal abuse are name-calling, belittling and insults, unpredictable and explosive out-bursts, (victim feels like she is ’walking on eggshells’ to avoid making the partner upset) and demeaning jokes.  The abuser may also constantly criticize his mate, accuse/blame her unfairly, refuse to communicate, or withhold information when needed.

Emotional abuse often includes verbal attacks, but may also entail actions such as disrespecting/ridiculing, or ignoring the significant other, withholding affection, threatening to do harm, restricting the partner’s movements (especially preventing her from seeing loved ones), dismissing feelings, making unreasonable demands, and manipulating the partner with lies/rumours.
 
The perpetrator has a great need to ‘be in charge’, usually out of feelings of inadequacy. The emotional and verbal abuse are executed to undermine the partner’s self-worth, confidence and independence, so that the abuser maintains control. Eventually victims of these relationships begin to doubt themselves and their abilities. For example, a woman who always prided herself in her ability to dress well, may start to question this ability after her husband repeatedly makes fun of her ’promiscuous, inappropriate clothing’. The woman may begin to question whether she was always a bad dresser, but never knew. Thus, feelings of inadequacy take root.  

Abusers also find ways of denying the abuse or blaming it on the victim. A woman who confronts her mate about his insulting remarks may be told “you’re imagining things”, or “if you weren’t so stupid I wouldn’t have to hit you”.).  In this way, the victim begins to wonder whether she is making ‘nothing out to be something’, or that she is in some way responsible for her mate’s behaviour. Although verbal and emotional abuse are  difficult to recognize in a relationship (since they leave no physical scars) the damage done to the person’s sense of self is just as damaging, and sometimes even more so, than the damage done by a physical blow. 

Abusers who are verbally/emotionally abusive often become physically abusive as well, over time. Often, the violence begins with a (seemingly minor) hit or slap, and escalates over time into other actions, such as kicking, shoving, choking, or throwing objects. The abuser may also physically restrain the person from leaving the house, intimidate her with shows of violence (e.g boxing the wall), threaten her at knifepoint/gunpoint, or destroy a treasured object. Many abusers also engage in acts of sexual abuse - such as forcing the mate to perform sexual acts against her will -and financial abuse - such as destroying bank cards or refusing to give money.

As with other types of abuse, the goal of physical abuse is to dominate and control the other person. Since abuse typically escalates over time, relationships that begin with seemingly minor incidents, such as the occasional slap, may, over a period of time, increase in intensity and frequency until the victim suffers serious injuries, such as broken bones and concussions, or worse, death. 

Why don’t victims just leave?

Many victims find it difficult to leave because the abuser often waits until he victim is more deeply invested in the unit (e.g ‘in love’, engaged, or expecting a child), to begin their reign of terror.  At this point, especially when combined assets and children are involved, the victim may hesitate to terminate the affair. 

Secondly, the abusive relationship is usually cyclical - with normal, relatively calm moments alternating with tense, abusive periods.  Although the victim may be understandably upset in the tense moments, the calm, normal periods that follow the abuse provide a ‘hook’ which keeps the victim stringing along - in hopes that the abuser really will change this time.  This ‘honeymoon period’  in which the perpetrator is apologetic, attentive, and even pleasant, may also remind the victim of the ‘nice man’ she knew from the early days of the relationship.  She may feel that she has the power to make those days return if she changes her behaviour in some way.

Lastly, since abuse chips away at a victims’ self esteem, women who have been in abusive relationships for a while may question their ability to leave and succeed on their own.  Because the abuser is typically charming in public, minimizes the abuse or finds a way to blame it on the victim, some women may wonder if they are imagining or responsible for the abuse. Spouses may also feel forced to stay because of financial dependence on the abuser, and alienation from family/friends. Others stay for fear of ‘breaking up’ the family unit, or religious beliefs that discourage separation or divorce.  Still others stay for fear that the abuser will hurt or kill them if they attempt to leave. This is a very valid fear, hence the need for abusive situations to be handled with care.

Ending an Abusive Relationship

You may be in abusive relationship if you feel constantly controlled, humiliated, belittled or fearful of your partner.  Despite what your partner has had you believe, you are not responsible for the abuse, and there is little in your power that can do to make the abuser change. 

If you would like to leave an abusive relationship, try seeking help from someone you trust. Additional support can be obtained from the Dept. of Gender Affairs at 467-1497, or the Counselling Center at 465-5000.

Remember, real love shouldn’t hurt.

"LifeLines is a monthly column dedicated to addressing issues of mental, behavioural, and social health. The column appears on the 1st weekend of the month, and is written by professionals in the field of social work, mental health, and community medicine".