BASSETERRE, St. Kitts – SHE sat there, stoic, recalling all the gory details of that fateful day which changed her life forever.
She was only five years old, yet, according to her – now an adult – she remembers it as if it were only yesterday. It was the day her innocence was taken; the day she was raped!
It seems no matter how one mentally prepares for what probably would be said, the cushioning seems vastly inadequate for the details to which one is inevitably exposed.
“I had on a pink skirt, like a netball sort of skirt. I loved that skirt. I don’t remember what shirt I had on. I don’t recall if it was some holiday or something, but I was at home. I was living with a relative, she was like a mother to me, i refer to her as mom, and she used to work early every morning about 5:30 or 6:00. Her husband used to go to work as well but sometimes he used to be off…sometimes he used to come home during the day.
“There was an elderly lady who looked after me when I used to be home during the vacation time, and my mom’s husband had a garden outside and sometimes when he was at home I used to go in the garden and try and help him do and play in the dirt and so on.”
So far so good, I guess. She maintained her composure well and although still stoic, a hint of emotion was detected in her voice. This man she had trusted, one who she never thought was capable of committing such an act, was successful in destroying that youthful joy which was embedded deep within her psyche.
“One day, he was home and he was outside in the garden and I went to help him. I went back inside – having been out for a short while – and he came inside right behind me. He held me and put me to lie down in the chair, so I was wondering what was happening.
“The elderly lady was on the far side of the room and she was close to a radio and she was listening to it.
“He put his hand over my mouth and put his other hand over my throat and he told me not to say anything. I was frightened and wondering what was happening. When I realised what he was going to do, because of how he had me pinned down, I couldn’t do anything. And how he had his hand across my throat, I couldn’t scream.
“All I could remember for the whole time was that I was watching the elderly lady and wondering why she wasn’t hearing anything and why she wasn’t coming over to help. I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t say anything, but I kept looking over in her direction and wondering why she wasn’t helping me. I was afraid and I was pleading with my eyes because I couldn’t say anything.”
The cover up
She explained that her rapist sought to hide what he had done from his wife with threats of inaction and disbelief; and to make the story he concocted for his wife more believable, he inflicted more pain on her (the child).
“After he was finished raping me, he sent me in the bath. I was bloody and he thought it best to tell my relative that I got cut while I was outside helping him in the garden. To make sure that there was a cut when she would look for it, he cut me on my hand. Then he told me if I said anything she is not going to believe me and she is going to send me back home…and I didn’t say anything.”
The after effect
It was not enough that he raped her, it was not enough that he ripped her innocence from her, but, according to her, after the incident he had a habit of reminding her that as long as she walks this earth she would have to live with the fact that he was her first.
“What hurts me is that every time I see this man and every time I talk to him – as old as I am – he feels it necessary to remind me that I am his, that he was the first person there. He is always calling me his baby and he has this one saying, ‘You know you are mine, right?’
“After that, I was never comfortable around him or my relative. I never told anybody. I was never happy after that. As my relative told my mother, she sent me home because she didn’t want Social Services to take me away because I would walk down the road and I would have this ‘Help me, help me’ look on my face. She said because of that she use to feel like I would run away.”
She said her very schooling was affected and she quickly transformed from a child who stood out as an “excellent student” to one who acted out. “So my relatve sensed that something was not right but she never really asked me if I was molested or anything like that.”
Years later, and she says she would never tell her relative what she suffered at the hands of the man she (her relative) loves, because “I believe it would do more damage than would have been done had I told her back then. But knowing that I still have a relationship with her and knowing that she is sleeping in bed every night next to somebody who raped her daughter – because she considers me to be her daughter – it is just horrible”.
Still scarred
Today, she seems happy; she has children and is in a long-term relationship. She explained that her significant other is aware of her experience but does not wish to discuss it with him again, even though she is still severely traumatised and scarred.
“Honestly, sometimes when I am having intercourse I feel like I am being raped all over again. If my significant other is in the position that he was in when he raped me, I would remember the incident and lose all feelings. I would just have to close my eyes until everything is finished. I have never told him and I would never tell him. He senses the change in emotions because he has told me about it, but I never discussed it further with him. The incident had hardened me. Sometimes it is very hard for me to show affection.”
Speak out
Many cases of rape and other forms of sexual assault go unreported sometimes because the victims – be it of threat, feelings of inferiority, fear of possible public scrutiny or another – chose to stay silent and subject themselves to be tormented by the actions of another. And though those actions have been completed, vivid reruns of the incidents invade the mind for months and even years.
It was not only after she began speaking about the debilitating effect that the incident has had on her that she broke down in tears. And having experienced it for herself, her advice is sound, rational and heartfelt.
“The best thing to do is, as soon as possible, make a complaint to somebody and talk about it with somebody, because if you don’t it would damage you. It would really damage you! You won’t see it at the same time…you might not even realise it months after. But, eventually you will see it. It will damage you! It is not something you would forget. You will remember it. As much you think you won’t, you will regret not reporting it.”
