The idea of college is often glorified and one never sees the unlimited sacrifices that must be taken in order to achieve that piece of precious paper. Little did I know how much I would have to endure to walk across that floor and receive it.
Graduation day at my two year college was amazing except I had no family there to enjoy it with me. Mom could not make the trip and my father decided he preferred to stay at home and enjoy his rum filled day off. So here I was walking in the top 10% of my graduating class of Bronx Community College and feeling a sense of accomplishment although I felt it alone. I had completed one half of my journey and only 2 more years to go to get that coveted BBA. Things were difficult but not impossible. I knew I could make it but I had no idea what was in store for me during the next couple of months.
After graduation, I went home to find my father in his usual comfortable spot, which was sitting in his chair enjoying his Harvey Bristol Wine. He told me how proud he was of me but it didn’t register as it was difficult to take the words of someone who is intoxicated. I went to my room and I sat for hours wondering how I had managed to get myself in such a situation. Every little girl dreams of being with her father.
But this was not a dream, this was a total nightmare and I was living it. Nothing can describe having a parent, who has the disease of alcohol coursing through their veins like the very blood they needed to survive. It was a common occurrence and I had learnt to adapt and cover where necessary. I had retreated into my books and therefore I excelled. Little did I know that there was worse to come.
I needed a break from this situation so luckily, my family in Canada decided to send a ticket for me to come and visit during the summer season and I was oh so happy to take it. So I packed one suitcase and I was off to Toronto for a little break. I needed it so badly. I had just lost my brother and I had just graduated and I was between minds as to how to handle the rest of my life. I knew I had to continue my studies but I was tired of living with an alcoholic. The drama was getting too much for me and it was beginning to affect the way I viewed life. I had such fun in Canada that I almost forgot my troubles back in New York but I knew eventually I had to go back and sought my life out. So after two weeks of relaxation, I called my father and told him I was on my way back and he said oh no problem. He told me that he would be working so I would not meet him at home. The conversation was nothing out of the ordinary as he held down two jobs while being a full blown alcoholic. So I caught the bus and headed back to gather myself for the next phase of my life. I was still hurting badly from losing my baby brother but I felt somehow I would find a way to cope with the enormous pain.
As I walked up the steps to the apartment, I noticed that the neighbours were looking at me strangely but I brushed it off and said my usual good day greetings. When I came to the top of the steps where my father’s apartment was located, I was met with an eviction notice on the door and chains around the door knob. My mouth dropped open and I went into complete shock.
What!!!!! I don’t understand what is going on. One of the neighbours came out and tried to explain what had happen but I could not comprehend what she was saying. This cannot be happening. How much more can I take? I left my comfortable home in St. Kitts for this? I must have been insane to make such a decision.
I walked back down the steps in a daze wondering what I was going to do. All my clothes, my books, my awards, everything was locked up in that apartment. I started to think where was my father and why didn’t he tell me that this was happening.
He had to have known which meant that he just didn’t care and left me in the cold. I decided to call my mother in St. Kitts and I told her what had happened. After I completed the story in tears, I told her I wanted to come home she then said to me “my darling daughter I understand all that you have told me but the Lord has not told me to send for you.” At that point, I thought my mother had completely lost her mind. Is she crazy?
Did she understand what I just told her?
I am homeless and I have no place to stay. I hung up the phone in total bewilderment and I sat on my little suitcase and began to cry my eyes out. I cried, and cried and cried! What can I do? In that moment I had an epiphany, I WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE’S ACTIONS DETERMINE MY PATH. I wiped my tears and called a girlfriend who told me I could stay by her for a couple days.
I then used that time to figure out a plan as I decided that what my father had done would not stop me from getting my degree. I was going to get that paper if it meant I had to work 2 or 3 jobs to get it. So I had a job and I asked them to allow me to work exact time to make more money to sustain myself. I had great people who helped me along my way.
Persons gave me clothes, helped with my tuition, brought my books, and put me up whenever I needed a place to stay. It is amazing how life turns out when you least expect it and sometimes the people you didn’t expect to help you are the ones who end up playing that family role.
Graduation day came and mom came up to see me walk across that hollow grounds in Madison Square Garden. Strangely enough I had not cried a tear after that day I returned from Canada but on my day of graduation seeing my mom cry for the first time in my life, I cried with her. I felt a release because I was holding everything in. All I was driven to do was to finish that degree and nothing or no one was going to stop me. My lessons during this ordeal were many and here are a few lessons -
- What people say really does not matter; what matters most is what you think of yourself
- Hard work and determination always pays off
- Sometimes family/friends let you down – as the old people say see me and come live with me are two different things
- Once I put my mind to something then nothing and no one can stop me
- I learnt forgiveness because it took me years to forgive my father for what he did but I was able to do so before he died. It released me from the pain and hurt he caused
- No matter how painful the experience there is always a lesson – find it and learn
- Final lesson – I felt my Heavenly Father’s handiwork in my life – I could not do it without him clearing the way.
When I weakened, he strengthened me and when I got angry he calmed my spirit and allowed me to focus. From that day onward, I came to understand that he has work for me to do and through many trials and tribulations he allows me to grow stronger.
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