Before my prince was born, I remembered being scared out of my mind. How would I take care of this precious little human being? I had no idea what to do and my mind was plagued with doubts. What if I starved my child because I didn’t know how much to feed him? What if I didn’t know how to hold him properly and so I hurt him? I was so afraid that I started to doubt if I could be the mother I so wanted to be. So what did I do when I become afraid? Yes!!! I went to the one person in this whole wide world that would calm all my fears, my mother, my Queen. So I said mommy I am afraid I don’t know how to take care of my son when he comes. She responded and said not to be afraid and she promises that it will come so natural that I will wonder why I was so afraid in the first place. It is God’s way of preparing me for a real task ahead and that is raising a good son. Well, right away my fears disappeared because if mommy say is so then for me is so it be.
So now my prince is here. Well wow he is so red and making so much noise but who cares I was too busy bawling my eyes out with all the joy I was feeling. There was mommy making sure there were ten toes and ten fingers and likewise I was doing a quick inventory to make sure that all was well with him and he had all his body parts. Hmm - why was I feeling so tired, I then turned to my mother and said mommy I feel so tired and then instantly I saw concern registered on her face but I didn’t understand why. She said Julie don’t say you are tired stay awake. I could barely hear her as I drifted in and out of consciousness. As I came to, the nurses looked extra busy and there was lots of activities around me.
There were lots of beeping sounds from the machines and somewhere between waking and passing out again I heard one of the nurses say her pressure is going up we need to stabilize her. I looked first at my son who was in his little holding area and whispered a silent prayer to my creator. I said God please don’t let me leave him now he needs me. I then turned towards my mother who was at my side looking worried. I heard her saying Julie wake up, come on, and I responded but mommy am cold. As I stated I was cold, three blankets plus an electrical blanket was placed on me to warm me up. I could see my mother’s face and she was so worried. I knew I had to fight off the coldness and tiredness and so that is exactly what I did. I kept my eyes opened while they stitched me up from the tear I gotten from Jayden. When they came to transport me to the ICU unit I got myself unto the gurney. I got there and it was the first time I realized that I will NEVER EVER SLEEP a full seven to eight hours again in my life.
I spent one day in the ICU and my pressure returned to normal and I was able to carry home my bundle of joy within three days but not before he was tested. The first time they drew blood from my prince he screamed down the place I began to cry too. I cried because I was in pain for him and I was also angry that they were hurting my baby. Then, I had the bright idea of having him circumcised. Who told me to do that again? Oh yes, all the expert advice I got and the recommendations. I swear I started to cry again because I had made a decision that damaged my son’s private area. I realized that this crying thing was going to be a part of my life as well.
So my son spent his first day out of the hospital and I was in such awe and amazement. I kept staring at him every minute. I looked at his stomach to see if he was breathing. I looked at him to see if he recognized me, I touched his skin to see if it was warm, and I touched his hair to see how soft it was. I could not believe that this little human being that lived in me for 39 weeks and 3 days was now flesh and bone and alive in my hands. Well if I thought I was in awe his grandmother was instantly in love. She did the exact same things as I did and more. We looked at him to see if he would blink and how much times he blinked and his facial expressions had us in total glee. And then I soon discovered that mommy was so right. I knew exactly what my son needed just by the way he cried or fussed.
Now, I had done all my research and my research stated that breast milk was the best for the baby so when I was asked how I would be feeding my child I stated with pride that he would be breast fed. Well, well, well, no one told me how HARD breast feeding was. I mean I was never so frustrated in my life. I had appointments with the nurse who specialized in teaching new mothers how to properly breastfeed. Well I did all she said, I used to the manual pump, and I used the electronic pump and still I could not get enough milk. I drank juices and lots of water still nothing meanwhile my son kept screaming. So here I am exhausted on properly two hours sleep, a screaming hungry baby and very little milk.
I felt like just passing out. My mother said yep welcome to motherhood. I looked at her like she had lost a few screws. What!!! Where was all the smiles and fun I used to see? No one told me it was this hard; no one warned me that I would be so bone tired; no one told me that I would be a walking zombie for months; no one told me that these little people smelled so stink when they pooped; no one told me that I had to become a decoder of cries and movements; no one told me that I as the individual I would no longer exist as I only exist to serve this demanding little terror; and no one told me that he would be a walking ATM with just withdrawal as the only option.
Well after six weeks of frustration, my son decided he had enough and refused the breast. I felt so defeated and hurt that I could not do this main thing that was associated with motherhood. Here came my mother to the rescue – she say Julie you are a dry mother and I was one too when I had your brother. Sometimes your body cannot produce the amount of milk that your child needs. Do not beat yourself up over not being able to breast feed as it happens to some mothers. It does not make you any less of a mother at all. All you need to do is to make sure that he is fed, clean, and happy and all would be well. Sound words of wisdom from my Queen and if my Queen says it is so then is so it be.
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