The other day I was talking with two girlfriends. One of them is a young psychologist. She brought up the sixth-month rule. That is, no sex until six months.
On the face of it, the sixth-month rule has merit.
I know one 30-something woman whose relationships in adult life have never reached this milestone. The longest relationship she’s had was in college. There, she dated a guy for three years.
It is a running joke between both of us now how a previously unheard of girlfriend seems to keep coming out of the closet in the fourth and fifth months of each new relationship.
You have to wonder: perhaps some people adopt a third-month rule. That is, be as perfect as you can and do not drop the “shitizzle” until after the first three months.
But wait a minute, who in their right minds expect perfection in relationships?
And what if you wait to have sex until the seventh month, but find out a crushing secret about your lover in the eighth or ninth month? Then what?
I more agree with applying a sixth-month-relationship-rule rather than an arbitrary sixth-month-sex-rule. By six months, one’s relationship should be in a certain place.
By the sixth month mark, you should be friends.
There should be a certain comfort level. If you are having awkward silences and trouble connecting on an emotional level, maybe it is time to evaluate your relationship. Ask yourself: is it only about the sex (if you are having sex at this point) or am I just infatuated with the person?
Perhaps you are drawn to the person’s position of power or prominence in society; business acumen; beauty; body, or take charge attitude. Perhaps you respect that person. But, bear in mind: having respect for people does not always equate to having a successful relationship with them.
The bottom line: a loving, long-term relationship is based on friendship. So if you are not there yet, keep trying. But that’s only if you want to have a meaningful relationship with the person. For some people, having sex with someone who is not a friend but whom they are really attracted to works well for them. (That’s a whole other article.)
By the sixth month mark, you should have a certain level of trust in the person.
What if you discover something alarming about your man’s past? For instance, let’s say he was once married and committed adultery. Would you start waiting for the infidelity bomb to drop in his current relationship with you?
Or let’s say you find out your woman had a run-in with the law over shoplifting and from that moment on every time you go into a store with her you cannot help but think that she will steal again.
Both of those scenarios are bad signs.
To move forward, you must first recognise that many times distrust is rooted in fear. So ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?”
If your distrust of the person is coming from a deep-seated fear of being embarrassed in this small society then you need to get over that and give the person a chance. After all, everyone runs the risk of embarrassment, especially in a small society. But, you have to live your life.
However, if your fear is coming from the fact that you have seen her, for example, with new accessories such as an expensive handbag – and she does not have a plausible explanation for why she now owns one item worth EC$3,500 ($500 more than her monthly salary) – then perhaps your distrust is well placed.
In a case like that, you need to tell her how you feel and move from there, together or apart.
Trust issues are definitely the number one killer of relationships, apart from money and sex. Obviously, money and sex issues are closely tied to trust issues. Bottom line: trust can make or break a relationship.
More importantly, though, your distrust may be coming from misgivings about the future of the relationship.
Sometimes, a disturbing revelation can lead you to realise that both of your value systems are way too different, and vastly different value systems may very well spell disaster for a relationship. In that case, do not ignore your intuition!
If you believe this person is wrong for you, do not waste your time on nurturing an intimate relationship, particularly one that is sexual. However, you can still be a friend. That is your choice.
In six months, you should not have caught the person in blatant lies.
That’s a very bad sign. If it is obvious that the person you are with is trying to impress you by exaggerating or fabricating accomplishments, etc., have a talk with the person. Reassure the person that you are in the relationship because of how s/he makes you feel. Monitor the situation after this.
If you sense that the lies are coming not from a deeply rooted sense of insecurity but from a sinister place, then you must consider whether you are dealing with someone who will employ trickery to bamboozle or take advantage of you. For some people, lying – and getting away with it – is a power trip, particularly in intimate relationships where you can be hoodwinked out of money and sex. So, if you have caught the person in big lies and sense that they are on a power trip, make it clear that that’s one ride you are not willing to experience. 
In six months, you should still want to be there.
If you still want to stick around because this relationship is the best thing that has come around in a very long time, well, that’s a very good sign. All you have to do now is make it work; no pressure.
SKN men and women, SKNVibes wants to know: what are your relationship rules? Holla back with your comments!
